The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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