So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
