All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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