I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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