Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
