You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
