just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
