I skipped work to stalk him.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
