Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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