I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
