i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
