exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You made out with two different species that night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
