6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
