dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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