That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
