i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
