This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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