I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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