Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
