i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
