his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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