The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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