just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
