Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
