so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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