my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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