Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
