Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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