i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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