we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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