New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
