Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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