Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
