I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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