I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
