when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
