Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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