I can feel you judging me through the phone.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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