im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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