OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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