He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
