I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
