Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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