i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
