do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
