Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
