And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
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I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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