It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Found your dick twin last night
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
