shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
