Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
