Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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