Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
