Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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