My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
