Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
