respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
